From Me to You, With Love

With the thought that I would, in one past afternoon, return to the place where my heart resides, I briskly walked the streets of New York City with newly discovered certainty. The certainty wasn’t at all self-directed. The certainty was some form of emotion that I couldn’t quite comprehend as I realized how magnificently grateful I should be for reaching the age of 22 with so many opportunities to travel with no one but my soul-searching self. And in this instance of deep appreciation, I found a strange level of peace.

It’s hard for me to settle without receiving what I want. In an exchange with an acquaintance at a bar in Dallas, I was told that a close friend of mine described me with, “She’s Cindy. Cindy gets what Cindy wants.” It was a thought I didn’t know others had about me, and I didn’t know whether to be proud or ashamed. There’s both negativity and positivity in that phrase. I decided to view things with the latter.

As I walked, enveloped in the vibes that only New York City could offer, I realized why your heart is in this city - why your dream to one day reach the Big Apple stands as tall as the buildings towering above me. I thought about the future and in my arrival to peace, I accepted the reality that I, Cindy, wasn’t going to get what I wanted. 

You learn to love so deeply with age - not with the silly puppy love you experience in middle school, or with the love you feel with your first in high school. This love holds the deeper understanding of futures, of sacrifice, and of acceptance. A phrase so cliché repeats in my head. Despite its familiarity, I view it with a new light. I now understand the gravity, the pain, the achingly raw and heavy heartbreak of its truth.

To love something is to let it go.

The certainty was my love and appreciation for you. I understand where you need to go. I understand where your heart resides. I know I will always love you, in whatever way you want me to my dear lover and friend. But I will let you go, not from my heart, but from the certainty I saw in our future together. A part of me is certain you’ll return but to hold onto that hope is foolish.

This love is new - new for you and new for me in a profoundly different way.

And in my heart, it’s okay. 

  • 1 year ago
  • 10

Back to where we started, losing who we were.

As I fight to breathe a strained yet steady breath
the pressure in my head, my heart, escalates
as if my mind, my soul
cannot comprehend
or sustain
or withhold

the emotions, the pain
brimming
struggling to the surface

as a hurricane
striking
breaching
enveloping
a sea wall

before it crumbles.

Study. Don’t think.
Study. Don’t think.

Just breathe.

  • 1 year ago
  • 3

Far-sighted.

There exist moments in a given day where I find myself glancing back at this path I once slowly trudged upon, before my heavy footsteps eventually turned into a walk, a run, and a skip. With my heart in three pockets, I somehow found a way to accept myself.

I stumbled across an old Tumblr entry that I never had the courage to post. Reading this a year later, I finally have the heart to chuckle at myself. This is how far I have come.

"…I notice the subtleties. The small things sting the most, like papercuts on the webs of my fingers. Each action - each duly noted lacking phrase or tidbit of affection, takes a tiny sliver of my already thinning skin. Eventually, this will leave me raw and bleeding. Eventually, I will have nothing and the ground beneathe me will crumble. I was a strong and confident person. Each slice makes me smaller. Each cut wears me down. Each shred takes me further from where I hope to be. The angry eyes. The judgemental eyes. The ones that pity. The ones who are curious. I can tell. It’s so easy to tell…"

Oh, life. I have so much to thank you for. Where could I even begin? Never again could I take the people I love for granted. There is so much hope in the future, but not only for me. 

For you too.
I was right when I feared I was wrong. 

People can make miracles.

  • 2 years ago
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  • 2 years ago
  • 7121

Sleep, don’t weep.

It brushed brittle fingertips along a seemingly solid door, realizing the wood never quite perfectly met as before. Pursing its lips, it breathed; the air seeped through the hollows, like an unforgiving mold settling into nearly forgotten corners. A mold that will never quite scrub out like new.

Nothing haunts you like the past.

  • 2 years ago
  • 2

/Blarb

During my last couple of nights in San Francisco, I find myself a bit bored with the city. So I sit here, reunited with my netbook, typing away with buds in my ears.

I have many plans for Fall 2011 and beyond. Newfound passion made me its home.

I’ve waited two years for the tattoo god to speak to me and still no whispering. But I get closer everyday to figuring it out. It might be two years from now, it might be two months from now, BUT I WILL GET INKED.

You will find me: painting, reading American classics, choreographing, studying, having adventures, cooking, dancing, playing the guitar, appreciating the little things in life, maybe playing the violin (lol), exploring new places, contemplating life, driving my shiny new car, helping others, writing, laying on South Mall lawn, traveling, listening to music, and much much more.

The next school year approaches. I’m ready to accede to greatness in more ways than one. :) You can’t fathom my excitement.
Bring it on!

  • 2 years ago
  • 5

Press play.

I’ve been: painting, reading, cooking, dancing, and much more.
Exploring my passions.
Next week, I’ll be on a plane to San Francisco where I will shop, work out, read more and eat good food…as well as spend time in the best company.

Un jour, j’écrirai en français.
J’adore la langue française. C’est fou que je la comprends mieux que je comprends la langue cambodgienne.

Close your eyes. Soak it in.

I haven’t had too many thoughts lately - just deeply breathing in the joys of life.

J’aime la vie.

  • 2 years ago
  • 6
  • 2 years ago

Bob Marley on how to love a woman
“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”
- Bob Marley

Bob Marley on how to love a woman

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

- Bob Marley

  • 2 years ago
  • 260328

I am a Green.

Today, I realized that what keeps me continuously and genuinely happy around people is more time to myself.

Partial loner.

On another note, I’ve wanted to blog countless times throughout the past two weeks, but I decided I was too lazy to make some artsy fartsy paragraph. Keepin’ it short and simple. Two more finals. 

I want some In-and-Out. I’m jealous of all the pictures of happy burgers.

100+ more pages to read for my Saturday final. And then 150+ more pages for my Monday final.

And then it’s SUMMER. SUMMERRRR.

HIP HIP?

  • 2 years ago
  • 4
  • 2 years ago
  • 5

"This life is what you make it. No matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soul mate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about."

— Marilyn Monroe (via socksnpeas)

  • 3 years ago
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  • 3 years ago

Consequence

If you died tomorrow and stayed on this earth as a spirit lingering in the midst of what you left behind, could you honestly be content with the way you left things? Did you say what you wanted to say? Do the ones you love know how you feel? Will the ones you hate rejoice? Or will they be suffering, too? Will you be filled with regret? Will you be okay with the list of things you never did? Or will the what-if’s eat you alive?

I’ve always tried to live my life to the fullest. I love to be spontaneous because you never know what memorable adventures could come from it. I take chances because doors close and never open again. I let things go easily because I refuse to waste my time in negativity. Sometimes I leave disaster behind me. Sometimes there’s collateral damage. Sometimes I cause myself pain and suffering. But most of the time, I learn something. Most of the time, something good comes out of it. And every single time, I grow as a person. 

Intense emotions as an outcome cause intense reactions. But those emotions come and go. Life naturally moves on. You naturally move on. Once that emotion dissipates, will you be satisfied with what you have left? Once the anger, lust, jealousy, or feelings of vengeance cease to exist, and you had already taken action, will you look at what you caused, left, or did and be pleased? Or will you find that it was all so damn trivial?

Think about it. 

  • 3 years ago
  • 2

Liberation.

A girl’s night.

Party. Party. Shuffle. Sober party.

Appetizers. Entrees. Friends. Too much food.

I took my bottled anger and made it grasp a sledge hammer. That sledge hammer met the side of a car. Multiple times.

Don’t worry! It was legal. :)

Good night? I think so.

More good nights to come? Yuh, man.

<3

  • 3 years ago
  • 3