There exist moments in a given day where I find myself glancing back at this path I once slowly trudged upon, before my heavy footsteps eventually turned into a walk, a run, and a skip. With my heart in three pockets, I somehow found a way to accept myself.

I stumbled across an old Tumblr entry that I never had the courage to post. Reading this a year later, I finally have the heart to chuckle at myself. This is how far I have come.

“…I notice the subtleties. The small things sting the most, like papercuts on the webs of my fingers. Each action - each duly noted lacking phrase or tidbit of affection, takes a tiny sliver of my already thinning skin. Eventually, this will leave me raw and bleeding. Eventually, I will have nothing and the ground beneathe me will crumble. I was a strong and confident person. Each slice makes me smaller. Each cut wears me down. Each shred takes me further from where I hope to be. The angry eyes. The judgemental eyes. The ones that pity. The ones who are curious. I can tell. It’s so easy to tell…”

Oh, life. I have so much to thank you for. Where could I even begin? Never again could I take the people I love for granted. There is so much hope in the future, but not only for me. 

For you too.
I was right when I feared I was wrong. 

People can make miracles.

It brushed brittle fingertips along a seemingly solid door, realizing the wood never quite perfectly met as before. Pursing its lips, it breathed; the air seeped through the hollows, like an unforgiving mold settling into nearly forgotten corners. A mold that will never quite scrub out like new.

Nothing haunts you like the past.

Each passing day sends me one inch towards the realization that I’m growing up. These are the days that matter. Youth graced us with second chances…but they won’t be coming around anymore. Each first impression is lasting because one chance may be the only chance you get. Each opportunity is fleeting and it may never come around again. Life is scary but we need to grab it by the testicles and sling it over our shoulder. That’s how we live.

Am I living? Not sure.

I can’t fall back asleep.

It’s the end of the year and it’s time for change. I’m turning 21 soon and I already feel like I’m getting old. Sometimes I just want to live recklessly with abandon but I have a future to care about. How do you younger girls do it? Maybe it’s just a phase from the excitement of leaving home and experiencing the new taste of independence. Maybe I’m just incredibly burnt out. I worked too hard academically too early when it all hardly mattered. It still hardly matters. My textbook education will only take me so far. From there, it’s all about my social skills.

I don’t have any. Yay life.

I am so awake but I’m driving to Dallas in 4 or 5 hours. Bleh.

So many travel plans! Excited for California and New York.

Brain vomit.
Ask me a thought-provoking question.

During my last couple of nights in San Francisco, I find myself a bit bored with the city. So I sit here, reunited with my netbook, typing away with buds in my ears.

I have many plans for Fall 2011 and beyond. Newfound passion made me its home.

I’ve waited two years for the tattoo god to speak to me and still no whispering. But I get closer everyday to figuring it out. It might be two years from now, it might be two months from now, BUT I WILL GET INKED.

You will find me: painting, reading American classics, choreographing, studying, having adventures, cooking, dancing, playing the guitar, appreciating the little things in life, maybe playing the violin (lol), exploring new places, contemplating life, driving my shiny new car, helping others, writing, laying on South Mall lawn, traveling, listening to music, and much much more.

The next school year approaches. I’m ready to accede to greatness in more ways than one. :) You can’t fathom my excitement.
Bring it on!

I’ve been: painting, reading, cooking, dancing, and much more.
Exploring my passions.
Next week, I’ll be on a plane to San Francisco where I will shop, work out, read more and eat good food…as well as spend time in the best company.

Un jour, j’écrirai en français.
J’adore la langue française. C’est fou que je la comprends mieux que je comprends la langue cambodgienne.

Close your eyes. Soak it in.

I haven’t had too many thoughts lately - just deeply breathing in the joys of life.

J’aime la vie.

Today, I realized that what keeps me continuously and genuinely happy around people is more time to myself.

Partial loner.

On another note, I’ve wanted to blog countless times throughout the past two weeks, but I decided I was too lazy to make some artsy fartsy paragraph. Keepin’ it short and simple. Two more finals. 

I want some In-and-Out. I’m jealous of all the pictures of happy burgers.

100+ more pages to read for my Saturday final. And then 150+ more pages for my Monday final.

And then it’s SUMMER. SUMMERRRR.

HIP HIP?

If you died tomorrow and stayed on this earth as a spirit lingering in the midst of what you left behind, could you honestly be content with the way you left things? Did you say what you wanted to say? Do the ones you love know how you feel? Will the ones you hate rejoice? Or will they be suffering, too? Will you be filled with regret? Will you be okay with the list of things you never did? Or will the what-if’s eat you alive?

I’ve always tried to live my life to the fullest. I love to be spontaneous because you never know what memorable adventures could come from it. I take chances because doors close and never open again. I let things go easily because I refuse to waste my time in negativity. Sometimes I leave disaster behind me. Sometimes there’s collateral damage. Sometimes I cause myself pain and suffering. But most of the time, I learn something. Most of the time, something good comes out of it. And every single time, I grow as a person. 

Intense emotions as an outcome cause intense reactions. But those emotions come and go. Life naturally moves on. You naturally move on. Once that emotion dissipates, will you be satisfied with what you have left? Once the anger, lust, jealousy, or feelings of vengeance cease to exist, and you had already taken action, will you look at what you caused, left, or did and be pleased? Or will you find that it was all so damn trivial?

Think about it. 

A girl’s night.

Party. Party. Shuffle. Sober party.

Appetizers. Entrees. Friends. Too much food.

I took my bottled anger and made it grasp a sledge hammer. That sledge hammer met the side of a car. Multiple times.

Don’t worry! It was legal. :)

Good night? I think so.

More good nights to come? Yuh, man.

<3

I am not some mistake or conceived source of problem that you could erase from your life with the other end of the pencil. You need to look elsewhere for that.